Where I've Been

Where I've Been

Oh hi again! That's Me subconsciously saying hello to myself as I've been the one MIA. How I've missed y'all, sitting down at my computer and writing my little heart out. I wanted to update you on where I've been and why I've been MIA. Some of you have sent me the sweetest emails asking for me to come back, with no response I decided to give one big answer to all of you.

A little over a month ago I found myself walking, once again, in the wrong direction. The feelings I had were the same feelings I experienced in 2013. None of you know this BUT in 2013 I involuntarily checked myself into a Psych ward for Depression and Anxiety after I tried to end my life. Hands down it was the darkest time in my life, surrounded by people who were so badly hurt, abandoned, molested, depressed, anxious and abused. When I arrived all I had in hand was a Forever 21 bag because my therapist took me to get clothes before I checked myself in. Once I was checked in they gave me a thin blanket and bed number 23. All I wanted to do was lay in that cold, hard bed and hide from whatever was behind the walls of that hospital. Screams woke you in the middle of the night from patients trying to escape. People would yell at anyone they could because the care they were receiving was inhumane. I couldn't take it anymore. 27 hours later I was out of there and never wanted to turn back. With all that said I felt recently like I was knocking on 2013's front door. 

As you all know Depression and Anxiety is a massive part of my story. I have found myself wanting to write about it more and more but wasn't allowing myself to sit down and write the words I truly wanted to say. So I've stayed silent. I was mute to allow myself time to figure out what I needed to do to start a journey towards a healthy lifestyle. 

Another part of my life that I've yet to talk about because, I feel that it's not quite yet talked about like other mental illnesses. I'm currently at war with food. It tends to spike when my depression is high or my anxiety is eating me alive. I'll either skip meals for days or I'll over eat. There is no in between. I've tried diets for like 1 day, I've tried not buying food, I've tried buying only healthy foods. I've seen a few comments which I've quickly deleted asking why I hadn't posted a selfie or photo of me. Well, I'm not comfortable in front of the camera. So if there are days where I don't post a selfie, It's probably because i'm going through it that day. As of now, I still haven't found a way to overcome this battle. So if you are dealing with something similar or the exact same things, whether if its you don't eat or you over eat. Please share what you do to help you when you are at war. I'd love to hear it.

So safe to say I'm still at a battle with myself. Everyday. Some say that depression can be healed, anxiety is a lie and well fear is a joke but I struggle with those every single day. I wanted to share  this with you because like I said, I'm working on being honest. I have a hard time being honest with myself and well people in general. So unintentionally I would cover up whatever I was feeling with a lie and act like my life was what I wanted it to be or where I wanted it to be when I am so far from it.

I've found that honesty has been a massive turning point in my recovery. The reason why I wasn't honest before hand is because I hate judgement. I never want to be judged because of my mental illnesses and sickness so I decided I would try and hide it. I got caught. A dear friend of mine sat me down and truly, saved my life. I was so sick I couldn't see what I was doing wrong. I thought in the end it was the right thing to do. To shield everyone I loved away from these dark moments I was experiencing. I then would push people away, on purpose. The ones I knew who would know me the most - I wouldn't return their calls. I'd ignore their phone calls and purposely keep myself busy so I wouldn't have the time to make any sort of effort. Its deep, but this is the part where I have to be honest. With myself and with you.

So, if I don't post weekly like I used to, I'm sorry. If there are days where I'm absent from social media, I'm sorry. I'm finding the middle ground of living a healthy lifestyle and being present so I can eventually come back full time. I'm learning that God's grace is saving me day by day. I have people in my life who point me straight to Jesus in times of need, discomfort and true pain. Thank you for being patient and kind in this time of silence. I have found that the best thing to do sometimes is take 2 steps back to evaluate your situation, to then take 5 steps forward. If you've been with me from the beginning, thank you. If you just showed up, thank you. I appreciate the emails, messages, comments and tweets. They truly keep me going on my darkest days. 

I love you

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