"Who am I?" I’ve asked myself this question at multiple times these last couple of months. Have I lost myself? Who am I when I’m under immense stress? Am I fun to be around? Do people push me out because it’s just too much to deal with? Who am I when I don’t get my way? Am I honest with myself or do I cover it with something else? Who am I when I feel rejected? Am I being overly sensitive?
As a little girl I had goals and dreams. Some which were super unrealistic because I wanted to be a princess but a lot of them were real. I wanted to be married to a super hot guy by 21, have a kid by 22 and well drive the pink convertible Barbie used to have (still a dream, duh) . Somehow I feel like I have failed myself. I haven’t found a husband, I don’t have kids and well I don’t have that car so what have I been doing for 26 years?
I’ve been in manipulating, abusive and cruel relationships where after time and time again I made excuses for them. Why? I felt bad for them. So I continued to let people walk all over me instead of fighting. I was terrified to stand up for myself, I didn’t have a bone in my body that could say no. I literally was a yes person and I hate that.
I like to think I’m kind. Sometimes I tend to over do it and with good intentions but it doesn’t always come across the way I meant it to. So I hide, in fear of rejection. I could say that is the biggest fear of mine. I was bullied in high school and if I'm being totally honest, I figured thats just how people treated one another. I didn’t know that when I would walk by a group of people it wasn’t okay to be called fat (by the way I was probably 115 pounds. Nothing close to being unhealthy). My bullies were once my friends, and they now follow me on Instagram probably unaware of the hurt they’ve actually caused.
I forgive easily. I don’t like to sit on uncomfortable situations and. I’m the type of person who hates when things aren’t in their assigned seat. Literally. It bugs the crap out of me and frustrates me to no end. I also have a tendency to say sorry a lot because sometimes I feel like everything Is my fault and I hate that.
When I was a child my life was nothing close to normal. My Mom tried to make it as normal as possible but by the time she was able to do that my heart was already broken. My parents divorce was ugly… and by ugly I mean they fought every day for 5 years until the divorce was final. Cops were called every night, police report after police report, siren after siren. One of my biggest triggers to this day are Police sirens.
My parents sat my sister and I down one night to tell us that my Dad was no longer going to be living with us. I was in the second grade and my sister was in kindergarten it was strange and we didn’t understand the depth of the situation. My Dad tucked me in that night and I asked him “Daddy, is this my fault?”
To this day I still don’t feel like I could ever forget that feeling. Fearing that I had done something to make my Dad not love our family anymore. I felt rejected, unworthy, and abandoned. When I bring it up theres an unsettling feeling I still get, 19 years later.
So fast forward to me being 23 and completely lost again. I knew there was a God. I was raised Catholic but once my parents split we didn’t attend church. I went to a random summer camp at Fellowship Church and cried every night because I missed home. I attended students at Whites Chapel every now and then because the boy I liked went. Hey, if it got me there right? Kidding.
I went with some friends to an Easter service at a church here in Dallas. It was beautiful. My eyes were about as wide as can be, people were raising their hands while the music played. I was like “Do people have questions? Why are they raising their hands?” HA! But the pastor asked if anyone was ready to give their life to Jesus. The real Marissa wouldn’t of stood up and walked to the front, not in a million years!!! That ain’t me y’all. I felt pushed to the front. I got up and walked down - I was shaking, my knees were weak. I had no idea what had just happened but I felt like it was the start of something new. After that Sunday attended some services but I had no idea where to even start. I met a couple of people but after a while and the work schedule I had, we lost touch.
I moved to LA in September of 2015, my friend Tanya took me to a church called ZOE church. I fell in love. The people, the worship, the pastor. I told my friend Tanya… “I LOVE THIS!!”. I actually went back again that same day because I couldn’t get enough #doubledip. A year later, it’s all I knew. Those were my people. My community. I thought I knew who Jesus was and I thought I knew who I was but I was wrong.
October came around and thats where I realized I had no idea who God was and somewhere along the way I lost myself in the mix. I was in the middle of a storm where no matter where I looked there was darkness. I was surrounded by it. I didn’t know how to handle myself, the situation I was in, the people around me or my relationship with God. I wanted to run, and scream, and cry and just go to the furthest place I could go and no look back and I kind of did just that. Day by day I thought I was building a relationship with God but turns out once again, I was wrong. I was growing a relationship that other people wanted me to have with Him.
Since I wasn’t raised in a christian home I have a hard time leaning on the spiritual instead of the physical. I guess thats why i’m not great at letting things work themselves out because I hate waiting on any type of answer. Thats terrible to say but I have to learn how to rewire my brain to believe that the spritual is the only answer with the help and guidance from the physical.
These last couple of weeks have been hard. Depression has taken me out. It won. Emotionally, I’m drained. Physically, I’m exhausted. I want to be like so many people I know. Faithful, have discernment, spiritual, strong, courageous. I want to be like them however I am nothing like them. So this is what I’m saying is I want to be a Christian yet my actions don't add up.
I wanted to sit here and be honest about where I’m currently at, I want to believe that I and you too can realize that our walk will look differently. I have a past full of hurt and abandonment, and I need to learn that not everyone will hurt and abandon me. I need to realize that I need to better myself to create space in my heart for the God I so badly crave to know. The life I have lived is not the way I want to continue to live. It’s ugly and disastrous. I refuse to continue the way I think about my self, the unwillingness to change and the fear of letting everything fall where it needs to fall. My life is a mess y’all, just like this blog post.
At times I wonder if my life will ever look differently, if my depression and anxiety can be beat. If Abandonment will ever leave my heart and if fear will never not take over my life? I don’t have the answers to that right now but hopefully in 1 years time I can come back and say what worked for me.
So… right now I realize that this mountain I am about to climb is going to take everything I have in me to conquer. It's going to take obedience and faith to keep pursuing the love of God. Knowing that His love will cast out all fear. Depression can stop with me and it’s my turn to fight. I’m done listening to the voice inside my head telling me I can’t. I’m taking my life back so I can find out who I am and who I want to be.
Here goes nothing….