"I am working on learning how to be whole and free within myself, to acknowledge my brokenness, manifest my own happiness, and succeed and fail gracefully."
Did anyone sense sarcasm in the title? No? Just me? Moving on. When I sat down to relaunch my blog I wrote a list of things I wanted to incorporate. Journal entries was on my top 5. I've loved sharing my life and journey with so many people. Once a week I will post a journal entry a week - it will come in variety. From sharing whats on my heart to a simple concern I may have or just encouraging you.
Last week I posted on Instagram saying my first post was going to be about Fear. You'll quickly see why I wanted to share this first. I've loved sharing my life and journey with all of you so far so I can't wait to share with you the things that I've been wanting to share for so long!
You ever get a text from a friend saying, "Hey girl! We are having some friends over tonight and would love for you to come!" I actually get the worst anxiety when I get texts like these. Immediately I go into freak out mode, whatever that means and just frantically search for an excuse not to go. If you know me personally you probably know that I don't really like meeting a bunch of people at once. That makes me seem like a complete bitch but it's really me having extreme anxiety.
For those of you who have anxiety, you know that feeling. We all feel the same but are triggered differently. I found myself continuously making up excuses because not only did I have so much anxiety in life. I worked up myself to the point where I feared having anxiety so I demolished my social life. The only answer I could find was no. I grew a fear for life. I want to make this very clear. I didn't fear not having a life.... I feared death, I feared having real relationships with people, I feared driving and flying, I feared walking into a grocery store or movie theater, I feared walking into a place where I didn't know people, I even feared making decision, I feared everything. So I just stopped living. I would go through the motions. Hang out with the same people, talk to the same people, do the same damn thing every day until one day. January 5 the day I had no choice but to completely surrender myself to the Lord. I found myself on my hands and knees crying out for help because I couldn't send out a texting asking for some.
Some of you may this story already so I'll make it short and sweet. January 5 we were traveling to Africa. The emotions were already high as I knew what I was about to re-experience. We got to the airport and at check-in the airline noticed there was a tear in the corner of my passport. They wouldn't let me on, the rest of the crew flew to Africa and I was now stuck in Los Angeles with a torn passport and a broken heart. This is where the surrendering happened. After a small panic attack in the car I had to make the decision to let this affect me or to put my big girl panties on and attack this challenge that I was facing. I was so scared to fly to Africa by myself but I didn't let it stop me... I wiped my tears away and did what I was told to do. Skipping a couple of unnecessary details I was on a plane to Africa 24 HOURS LATER. No matter which way you look at it, That's God y'all.
My whole life I feel like has been lived in complete chaos. Since I was a little girl peace never lived in our home. Relationships and home life have always been a battle for me. I read something the other day that really struck me. It said:
"Yes, it sucks to have to walk away from someone you love, but it sucks even more to be the woman who is still forced to leave with nothing after years of being a good woman to someone who was undeserving."
I can quickly point that to one relationship in my life. After years of giving love and only wanting to be loved and constantly wondering how much more pain someone could endure before I broke, I just decided to walk. I thought to myself that same day "man, I feel like I've been putting in so much work but have yet to see the difference," which is true, I've worked really hard to be stable in my daily life yet I felt the same... But I can tell you that 3 or 4 months ago I wouldn't have walked. So for that I am proud of myself for talking the time to acknowledge that failing doesn't mean you're a failure. I found it makes more room for growth. So I'm sticking with that from now on.
I'm ready to grow into this new season of being fearless. Having no fear of life, decisions, love, rejection, heartbreak, relationships. Fear is no longer welcome and soon will come anxiety and depression.. They are going to be "moving out" pretty soon. I don't want room mates, they aren't for me.
If you're battling depression, anxiety, or if you have fear - email me. I'd love to talk to you.