My whole life I've always been instructed to do __________. When someone gives you advice you're instructed sort out a solution.... A "go" and perhaps you've been told that you've actually been doing it all wrong so instead you are to do it this way... (list off a bunch of things that I've been told to do but will never actually do)
What if Gods been instructing you all along
and well maybe we aren't allowing the truth of instruction come over our lives. With no thought we allow the good to flow but we stand back when it's our time to fight the battle.
I can tell you right now, I'm afraid to jump when it's my time to jump but when it's time for the good my door is always open. I'm afraid to fight the inner problem that I've been facing for so long and blanket it with the attention I receive. I continue to struggle everyday to get to the core of my issues because well, it's easy to pick up a telephone and call, text or my personal favorite, FaceTime. The core issue is growing and honestly, no instruction could help. Okay... yes I'm sure it could but my mind tells me "NO! WAIT! You sit here and suffer.. You aren't loved, you aren't worthy, you aren't allowed to find freedom, you have no friends, you have no family, you are worthless, and you are NOT allowed to depend on anything but the sadness inside of you." Powerful mind, eh? I take the steps...
I go to church, I pray, I worship
I keep doing all of these things but nothing has changed. I'm still sick, I'm still depressed and I'm more anxious now than I've ever been my whole life, truthfully I can't seem to catch a break. Some can't picture a mental illness because theres not a picture portrayed as if someone with cancer would be.
About 2 months ago my friend and I were in Washington D.C.. We were out for dinner one night with a couple of our friends, as it was getting late we needed something at a CVS so we decided to just walk. I was less than a half a mile and truthful, we didn't feel unsafe. About 5 minutes into our walk we heard something similar to a gun shot and a man duck. As this is happening I thought to myself "This isn't real". No more than 1 minute later a car drove by with a shotgun out its window and shot at us several times. Thank GOD the shots didn't hit us... So after it happened we kept walking because I truthfully don't think we understood what just happened. Our adrenaline just kicked in and I swear it felt like were running to this CVS. (A fast walk, seems like running to me at this point.) We got there, still no word from either of us.. There was prayer, there was worship music but I don't think we had a conversation until we got back to the restaurant where our friends were. It then hit me that well, someone was purposely trying to kill us or simply trying to freak us out. Either way, it was so wrong. My situation has no comparison to Orlando, Baton Rouge, Dallas, and North Caroline and I'm not trying to compare... but for that split second, I put myself there. I tried to grasp what it was like to have such fear and to stare death straight in its eyes. Terrifying.
Lastly, I wanted to give an explanation of where I've been, whats been going on and why there hasn't been a blog post since July 7th. It's been way too long and it's time to just get real. I lost passion, I lost my drive and when I sat down to write the blank page got to me. I couldn't write 3 words down on a page before breaking down. It was time for me to really figure out what I wanted this to be. I didn't want to make this my "job" because it didn't start out as that. I want it to be something I enjoy doing.. which I do but it came to that point where I needed to take a step back and reevaluate what I was doing in my life. From friends to relationships to my mental health and my body. It needed to happen. I still don't have it all figured out but I do know that I have grown immensely. I've re-found what makes me happy, smile, laugh and who I genuinely want to be around. Such a great feeling. I suggest this to all of you. If you're struggling to stay above water, reevaluate and have gratitude. These are tools I wish I had before these last couple of months.
You see, God is instructing us everyday in every situation, relationship and decision we have and possibly will ever make. Let him instruct you in your daily life, not just when you're ready to accept your shame. Don't let shame make you shameful.